Relationship Tools

In order to achieve effective communication a change in how we talk and listen during a debate must change.  Our society drives us to win.  We therefore learn a win/lose style of talking when we are in debate.  We often (during an argument) focus more on what we have to say, little on what our mate has to say and hold the goal of winning or “getting my point across” as the only goal worthy of merit.  The problem is when two people have this same goal; no one is available to negotiate the differences.  Therefore in order to achieve effective communication, we must change our goal and be willing to learn something different.  To often when we get bogged down in strife in our relationship, we assume that we need a new partner.  I say…keep the partner - learn new tools.

I work extensively with couples who desire to strengthen their relationship by transforming criticism into compassion, predicaments into possibilities and conflicts into connections.  This work is done in a supportive, non-judgmental environment where both voices are heard, differences honored, and intimate, enduring love connections restored.

Communication Enhancement Technique

In order to talk effectively, we must first perfect the art of listening.  Below is a three-step process to get us started.

  • Listen Intensely:

    Listening to the content of what is being said is harder than we think.  So often when we are having a heated discussion, we partly focus on what is being said and mainly focus on what we think and feel about what is being said.  That is why repeating back (every few sentences) what we are hearing is critical.  It keeps us focused on the message and not on what WE THINK the message means. 

  • Quiet Your Own Sound:

    Our own self talk or (thoughts) while our mate is talking is both distracting us from hearing their message and triggering us to make assumptions and jump to conclusions before all of their information gets a chance to get shared. And since we assume our assumptions are correct, we do not tend to check them out with our partner for confirmation.  Even if we did check out our assumptions and our partner says that our assumptions are not true, we just tell ourselves that they are lying to us anyway and hold on to our own unfounded truths. Sound familiar? That is why it is important to clear your mind of your own thoughts, focus on what your partner is saying and repeat it back every few sentences. Having to repeat sentences back distracts you from focusing on your own thoughts. It also lets your partner feel listened to. 

  • Step In Your Partner’s Shoes And Turn It Around:

    Often when our partner has a point of view that we do not share, we tell ourselves what they should feel or how we would feel if we were him / her.  This thought process however enables us to dismiss how they DO FEEL about the issue.  Therefore to counter this losing strategy, imagine how you would feel if you had your partner’s perspective.  Look at it from their point of view. Yes, suspend your own judgment and perspective and “WALK A MILE IN THEIR SHOES.”  Imagine how you would feel and tell them what you think to see if you are right. Only after you complete all three steps will you be fully informed and prepared to share your own point of view on the topic.


To learn more about how to transform conflicts into loving connections, contact LR Counseling Services today!

YOUR TOMORROW CAN BE SO DIFFERENT THAN YOUR YESTERDAY