Can We Talk

One of the key difficulties plaguing couples is their inability to effectively communicate. So often a simple disagreement quickly deteriorates into a verbal altercation, with each partner hurling personal insults and character assaults at each other.

Lets take Karen and John for example. Karen initiates a conversation with John about a concern. John responds with a sigh, frown or a cross complaint. Karen (annoyed) vents about how John never listens, is hard to talk to, or is defensive. John (keying in on the words “always or never”) refuses to acknowledge any truth about what Karen is saying. He brings up a problem from the past, to level out the verbal battlefield. Now this couple is sparring on a toxic exchange like boxers in a ring. Each rooted on proving the other one wrong and focused on the goal of proving that they are right. Winning the argument becomes the focus. Trying to understand the other person’s perspective is now viewed as a sign of defeat. By the time they stop arguing, emotional black eyes and bruised egos are the only evidence of their exchange. The initial concern remains unsolved and now added to it are hurt feelings and doubts about whether or not their relationship will last.

Why do we do this? Why do we repeatedly talk in a manner that does not work?

Insanity?

Bad Habits?

I say “We do what we know”. Rarely do we see couples, whether on TV or in our homes , engaging in debates where “fair fighting rules exist”.

What are fair fighting rules?
1.You stick to one topic at a time.
2. Do not personally attack the other person.
3. Let the person finish before you state your position, etc.

We typically do not see couples show self-restraint, mutual respect and empathy in the course of an argument. These skills are often viewed, as signs of weakness not essential skills in effective communication. How blown away would your partner be if the next time they wanted to talk to you about a concern that:
1. You actually listen to them,
2. Not cross complain,
3. Periodically ask them to pause so you can recite back what you are hearing (to make sure you are getting their message accurately)
4. Acknowledge the truth they are telling you about yourself.
After your partner recovers from the shock of not having to defend themselves from your defensive posture, they will probably rejoice in the possibility that they may not have to protect themselves from the person they are suppose to love and feel safe with. Maybe then both of you will be allowed to hope that concerns can be addressed, issues resolved and intimacy enhanced and protected.

Contact LR Counseling Services for your first session.